Thursday, December 31, 2009

MIA, But Not on Purpose...

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've had some 'minor' health issues arise.

The first and most painful being gallstones. Boo to them! If anyone has ever had them, and I pray no one reading this has, I am SO sorry. They are horridly painful.

Well on December 19th Tony rushed me to the ER here in Topeka so I could get some help. I was having terrible stomach pains and long story short, my gallbladder was packed with gallstones. So, the ER doctor recommended I call my surgeon ASAP that following week to schedule surgery. So I did.

I had my gallbladder out on Tuesday, December 29th. And I've been at home the rest of this week recuperating. And while I'm sore, I already feel TONS better. Who knew an 'insignificant' organ could cause so much trouble?!?!

At any rate, that's why I've slacked on updates, and I promise once I'm fully recovered I'll get back to my weekly posting.

I hope EVERYONE out in cyber land is doing well, and I wish everyone a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Baby It's Cold Outside...

We have a Snow Day today! I am so glad it's been amazing. A little house cleaning, lunch with Tony and a nap. What more could I want?!?!

My weight has been at a stall, and I'm OK with that. I haven't worked out in a week due to a horrid sinus/ear infection and this weather. But I'm being careful (for the most part) about eating well. Although I have indulged in a few Christmas cookies...

I'm going to spend some time this afternoon browsing at Wedding dresses online. Woo hoo! I'm excited to start planning this February :)

I hope everyone in cyber land is doing well! Stay warm!!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Unlimited...

Unlimited...And I just had a vision almost like a prophecy... 2010 is going to be MY year!

Okay, so I'm still hooked on the 'Wicked' soundtrack. But I love, LOVE that musical!

Last week was Thanksgiving, and while I did indulge, I am happy to report that it wasn't ANYTHING like I had in my previous years. I did gain a pound, but I know that was due to the alcohol and cookies :) But I have lost it since getting back and getting back on track.

I don't have much else to report, except that my Doctor is SUPER proud of me! She said that most of her Lap-Band patients lose just 50 lbs in the first year, and I've already surpassed that in 10 months. Woot Woot! Go me :)

My goal is to lose another 15 to 20 lbs by my Surgiversary. I'll be down 80 to 85 lbs total by then. I know if I keep focused I can do it!

I hope everyone in Cyber Land is well.

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Who Can Say...

If I've been changed for the better. Because I knew you...Because I knew you... I have been changed for good.

So I stole the first line of my blog from the musical 'Wicked', but it's perfect on how I'm feeling today.

I just ended a 10 year somewhat toxic friendship. Well actually the other person ended it. And I'm okay with that. This person doesn't take responsibility or hold themselves accountable for their actions. And they will have a sad, lonely life because of it. I put out an olive branch to try to salvage our friendship, and they don't want to. That's their perogative. I tried, and that's all I can do.

The ending of this friendship has helped me realize what type of person I am, and what type of people I want in my life. I truly have realized today, that my weight loss journey is SO much more than just physical. I knew it would be, but I realize it even more so now. I'm changing, and not everyone in my life will or is pleased with this. But it's the reality. I'm going to keep making mistakes and stumbling on my way, but it'll all part of MY journey.

On the upside I did 14, yes FOURTEEN miles today! Woot Woot. I guess being upset does have it's benefits :)

And, lastly, this week I am thankful for my Family. Without them I wouldn't be who I am today, or be able to go where I'm going!

I hope everyone is well!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Monday, November 16, 2009

Victory Is Mine!

Okay so not a HUGE one just yet, but I lost 6 lbs last week! I'm really only counting it as 4 though, given I had gained 2 lbs back last week. Either way I'm happy though.

Why do you ask? Because now I'm just near my half way goal mark! That's right, I'm 65 lbs down. Woot woot! Just another 65 to go.

My goal is to be 80-85 lbs down by my Surgiversary, which is in 2 months. I KNOW if I stick to my food journal and exercise plan I can do it. I just have to keep faith and keep myself motivated every day.

To help keep my motivation I want to write something I'm thankful for every week. This week it's this:

I am thankful for ALL the victories I've had since my surgery 10 months ago. Besides my 'scale' triumph's, I've had many NSV's along the way. Without my surgery I know these would not have been possible.

I hope everyone is doing well. And don't get discouraged if you have a bad week! If I can over come a 2 lb gain, anyone can!!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Monday, November 9, 2009

So I Creep...Eek!!!

I forgot to post last week! My bad.

Last week I did really, really good at sticking to my food diary. That is, up until Friday.

And wouldn't ya know it? I gained back 2 of the 4 lbs I lost because of this. WOW. What a difference 2 days makes...

It just goes to show me that I truly still haven't grasped my eating habits. That is, unless I write them down. I'm annoyed with myself for gaining 2 lbs back, but it's only reinforced to me HOW important it is that I stick to my food journal. It's not something my doctor requires, but for me, at least for now, it is necessary.

Oy vey! Let's hope this week I lose the 2 lbs, PLUS another 4 :)

I hope everyone out in cyber land is doing well!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Saturday, October 31, 2009

A Year From Yesterday...

So, in 364 days I'm getting married!! A year from yesterday I will officially be a Sumaya :) I'm so excited about that. Tony is amazing. Simply amazing!

I've set some mini-goals for us in the mean time. The first, and most important for me personally, is for both of us to keep up with our gym regime, and to start losing weight together.

I love going to work out before work, Tony loves going after. I've told him we don't have to go together, but I'd like for us to support each other, and to try to go at least 3 times a week. But, maybe I'll compromise and go a few times after work with him;) We'll see...


Today is Halloween, and I LOOOOOOOVE this Holiday! I'm going as a St. Pauly's girl. Such a cute costume! Fun, flirty, but not too sexy. Thank God the skirt reaches my knees ;) I would've been extremely uncomfortable otherwise!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and a safe & fun Halloween!

Ciao for now!

<3 - Mags

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Neglectful.

Wow, I didn't realize it's been over 6 weeks since I last blogged!

It's been a crazy, crazy busy time since then. Lots has happened, but I'm too exhausted to write it all down right now.

I did post a new pic, from a wedding I was in on October 10th. I'm now 60 lbs down! Just 50 lbs from my doctors goal weight for me!!! I've given myself until my 2 year Surgiversary to reach my ultimate goal of 130 lbs lost. That would put me right around 170.

At the beginning of this journey I never, EVER thought in a million years I'd be more than halfway to my Doctor's goal. And the fact, that even on a 'bad' day, I'm still achieving it, makes me want to just burst into tears of joy.

Losing this weight has helped me be easier on myself, and realize that all good things take time. I didn't gain 130 lbs in a year, so why on earth, even with my Band, would I expect to lose it in a year? Now, if I did dieting and stuff I would, but since I've committed to no longer dieting, I'm going to take my time. This is an entire Lifestyle change. I'm 'unlearning' 20 years of horrible eating and exercising habits. And the fact that I've made THIS much progress in 9 months makes me overjoyed!

I've also re-committed myself to blogging weekly. And keeping in touch with my surgery buddies. They are a phenomenal support system!

I hope everyone is doing well.

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Monday, September 7, 2009

Scary Times...

I haven't written forever. And I've been super busy! Not a good excuse, but I did have a 'fill' scare two weeks ago.

It all started on August 26th. I went in to get a tiny, TINY fill. It was like 1/4 of a CC. Granted, a CC of fluid isn't much to begin with, so I didn't think that 1/4 of one would do much. Keep in mind I had 6.75 cc's in my 9 cc band. So this fill put me up to just about 7 cc's of fluid total.

I really thought it wouldn't be much of a difference, but boy was I wrong.

The day after my fill Tony & I embarked on our long weekend to Miami/Key Largo. I woke up and couldn't really drink much of my coffee, but I didn't think any thing of it. It was super early, I had just had a fill the afternoon before. But I should have listened to my body that morning. Our Vacation was fun, but I learned a very, very important lesson! Never, under any circumstances, get a fill on your band the DAY before a trip!

Long story short I was PB-ing the entire plane rides to Miami, no matter what I ate/drank. And once we landed there, I had to have a few cocktails just to eat some soup. I do not recommend that to anyone! We were in Paradise for 4 days, and I couldn't eat anything :( My band was too full, I desperately needed to get some fluid taken out of it.

I tried to make the most of the trip, and I did my best to drink lots and lots of water. But by Sunday, our return day, I was a wreck. I was starving, so I tried to eat some chips at the Houston Airport. Bad idea. I PB'd immediately, in front of everyone in the Food Court. It was so embarrassing.

So as soon as we landed in Kansas City I called my Dr's Office. Thankfully they said they'd be able to get me in ASAP Monday morning. That evening I was told to just eat broth soups. And I could barely do that. But I just wanted some sort of 'food' or nutrition.

Monday morning I called my Doctor and she got me in at 10:30 for an "Emergency Unfill". Thank God too! Ever since I had that a week ago, I've been able to finally freaking eat. She just took out the 1/4 of the CC she'd given me the week before. So now I'm back to 6.75 cc's in my 9 cc band. And I'm not sure I want much, if any, more fills for quite some time.

So it was a tough lesson learned, but I know I'm super close to hitting my 'sweet spot'. From here on out it's just tweaking the frequency and size of my Band fills.

I don't recommend anyone doing what I did. If you're close to your sweet spot, definitely avoid getting a fill right before you leave town for 4 days! It's miserable. Especially when you're in a land of abundant, healthy seafood! I love grilled shrimp and fish, and I could only eat 2 bites of it the entire trip. Thankfully I kept those two bites down.

My surgery was not meant to starve me to death. It was meant as a 'tool' to help me eat smaller, healthier portions.

While my 'over-fill' experience scared the hell out of me, I'm grateful to have gone through it. It's definitely gotten me re-vamped on my journey. I've lost 4 lbs this week, 2 of them while on the trip. But now I'm more determined than ever to reach my goal of 100 lbs lost by my Surgiversary!!!

I hope everyone is doing well!!! I'm sure doing MUCH better than last week :)

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Sunday, August 23, 2009

High School All Over Again.

So last night was my 10 year class Reunion. Class of 99' woo hoo!

Yeah.

Time has flown by, but I realized last night that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Surprising, Well, Myself!!!

This entire surgery/weight loss journey is certainly chaotic at times. But most of the time it surprises me in great ways!

The most current way is my new work out routine. I am LOVING getting up at 4:30 and exercising before work. And I can tell it's directly impacted my metabolism. Last week I did early workouts on Wednesday and Thursday, and I had energy ALL day. No 'mid afternoon' tiredness. And I was still able to go to bed at a decent time.

So I've decided to definitely keep up the with these super early work outs. I have much more energy, and I dropped 3 lbs in 2 days doing them! I can only imagine how much more I can lose and how fast I may lose it. My goal is to lose at least 3 lbs a week, if I lose more, fantastic. But I hope to not lose less.

Only time and perseverance will tell if my new work out routine will work. But I'm giving it everything I've got!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Rejuvenated... Finally!!!

So after my mini emotional break down, and LOTS of much needed crying. I'm finally almost 100% back to my post op, happy Mags.

I've joined a Gym and have committed to at LEAST 3 times a week. So far so good. I've been my 3 times this past week, and I've lost 4 POUNDS! I've finally also broken my damn plateau.

I had a tiny fill at the doctors this week, I'm almost to my 'sweet spot'. And I couldn't be happier. It's taken 6 flipping months to get here.

My sister is my best friend, my rock. She's also helped me out this week, more than she knows!! This past week of work was super, super shitty. And so I went to Kansas City Friday night, with Tony, and we stayed in with my sister and Brother In Law. I just needed to get the hell out of Topeka. Even if it was just one night, it did wonders for me!!! It's amazing how some people in your life can just instantly make you smile, and feel better.

So I've decided to start doing some good things for me again.

The first is to start up my food journal and exercise journal again. I know that helped me in the first 3 months post op, and that's when I did the BEST at eating and exercising. The second is to keep being diligent and working on things or situations that are making me unhappy. I've come too damn far to let some negative people or situations bring me down. The last is to spend some more quality time with Tony. We've been so busy lately that we haven't had time for us. And that bothers me. We're newly engaged and planning our wedding. I want to spend a night in with him, or do a date night, whatever. I just want some one on one time with my love...

I hope everyone has a great week! Mine will be busy to say the least.

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What's REALLY Eating Me.

**I want to mention as a friendly Disclaimer that this is a very UNORGANIZED, long post. If you want to read on, please do so!***

So I've been battling my old bad habits and inner demons ever since my Birthday. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out WHAT was so 'wrong' so to speak.

And then, as the radio played on my drive home today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's my Father. I miss him more than words could ever express. So I took the 'long' way home, and bawled my eyes out to Steve Winwood and Tina Turner (two of his favorites). The songs, "Back In The High Life" and "What's Love Got To Do With It" were played back to back, on the same station. Random, but I knew he was with me...he loved those songs... Back to my grieving issues now...

Why hasn't this surfaced sooner? Why has it taken almost 2 damn months?!?! And it's simple. I've been shoving my grief back down every time it's tried to surface. And I've been doing so with cookies, ice cream, chips...all sorts of crap. Thankfully I have started exercise again, and so I'm down about 50 lbs. Woot Woot! So my band IS helping. But I've got to allow myself to grieve. Otherwise I'll keep eating bad foods...and I won't really get to enjoy my progress.

I've decided that I'll write a blog about every thing that's on my mind. So I apologize if it seems super random or unorganized. It is.

June 27th was the 19th Anniversary of my Father's passing. I cannot believe it's been this long already. I can still remember the week before, and the day of his passing. And to be honest it seems like yesterday. I think I'll always have anger towards the circumstances of his death, albeit any time, any age a child loses their parent I believe there's some anger, and vice/versa. With any death, there'll be some type of anger. Whether it's with God, the deceased, or the circumstances.

Sorry back on track to WHY I'm grieving so much. Why is this year any different? Well it's b/c I'm getting married, and I realized that the one thing I want most in this world simply will not happen. Ever since I was little, I dreamed of my Father walking me down the aisle. And there's no way that will happen.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO blessed to have my Step Father in my life. He is an amazing, loving, generous man. Hell, he's been the Father figure in my life for longer than my own Father was. But dammit I need to grieve not having my real Father here. I wish I could talk to him, share wedding ideas. I wish he could've met Tony and told me what he thinks. Hell, I wish he could've 'scared' Tony with his overprotective "Father Talk". I just wish, that for just one day, one hour, one minute, one second I could talk to him again...

I've got to let myself cry, scream, write... whatever it takes to allow myself to release this grief. Because I know he would want me to ENJOY wedding planning and my weight loss. Not be burdened or upset by them.

People have kept asking me about our wedding plans, and to be honest I've avoided doing any planning. And it's because I haven't wanted to deal with my emotional issues related to all of it. But wouldn't ya know it? My Father, Guardian Angel, Daddy, had other plans. Damn him! And he got through to me the best way he knew how, through music. See, before he passed we'd always listen to songs together. And sometimes he'd 'guitar me' aka play songs for me on his guitar. And dGod Bless Him, he was so tone deaf, but I just loved it when he's sing along or sing to me.

So for now, I've decided to just allow myself to talk about my sadness and the bitter sweetness of everything that's going on. I pride myself on being an optimistic person, so I hope no one thinks I'm 'dwelling' on the negative. But I need to keep healing, and allowing myself to talk about how I'm feeling is helping me do this.

I hope that everyone who comes across this realizes that no matter where you are in life, there is always someone who loves you. Even if they aren't here with you in the flesh. And don't be afraid to tell those you love how much you love them everyday!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Thursday, July 2, 2009

10 Things You Never Knew about Moi!

Okay so Clare's been bugging me to do this. So here's my 10 'random' facts about Mags.

1) I am terrified/grossed out by wet paper. Ridiculous I know, but it just grosses me out! No, I'm not talking about paper towels or toilet paper, just wet writing paper/receipts/things of that nature.

2) My dream job would be to work for the FBI as a Criminal Profiler, however I am not sure I'd want to carry a gun.

3) I'm related to Paris & Nicky Hilton. They're my 2nd or 3rd cousins, I can't recall...but it's from my Mom's side of the family.

4) I absolutely adore dogs, especially Boston Terriers (thanks Catibug). I want to get one soon!

5) Fall is my favorite Season ever.

6) I'm addicted to horrible, cheesy, reality TV. I have a fondness for The Real Housewives and Rock of Love.

7) If I could live anywhere it'd be the Caribbean or Bora Bora. I love Tropical Weather!

8) I once sent in an Audition tape & packet to be on 'The Biggest Loser'. I was sad when I didn't get on.

9) My favorite food is Mexican. I could it it all day, every day if I had to:)

10) I've found my soul mate. We may have our ups and downs, but Tony truly gets me. And I am so thankful for him!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Life, Or Something Like It...

What a busy, busy two weeks I've had!

Getting engaged, birthdays, bachelorette parties, weddings, you name it.

Today we have the first 'official' wedding of the summer! Our friends Sonia and Mike are getting married, yay!!!

And let me just tell you how romantic my fiance' is...Tony wakes up this morning and says, "I love you baby, guess what? It's one day closer to the day we'll be married"!

I love this man with all of my heart. He's my rock, my life, my everything. And I cannot wait to be his wife!

My weight loss has hit a solid plateau. And it's all my fault! I haven't worked out in 2 weeks. I have GOT exercising again. I look better, feel better and am A LOT less stressed. Starting Monday I'm setting and sticking to my daily regimen. I've got to to keep this 45 lb weight loss going... Hell I'm just 85 lbs to goal now!!!

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm off to finish housework before today's wedding.

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Going To The Chapel...

I'm getting MARRIED!!! Tony officially proposed last night. I am still in shock I think! It was such a romantic, surreal proposal. And Catie & Joaquin got it all on tape, yay!!

I'll write more later, I need to try go and sleep...but I'm so excited it's proving a difficult task!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Standstill.

So my weight has completely freaking stalled for the past 2 weeks. I'm still at 40 lbs lost, and I haven't gained any weight, but c'mon! I'm getting impatient :)

This weekend was really hectic, and I've been really sick with an ear infection. My left ear is killing me, and it hurts to swallow. Thank God I was able to get some antibiotics though. I just wish they had started working already. I want this damn pain to go AWAY.

I didn't get to do everything I wanted to this weekend, and I'm really bummed about that. I missed Ava's birthday/Amber's housewarming party on Saturday. But I was lying in bed doped up on Tylenol for the pain.

Tony's parents were in town for his Sister In Law's College Graduation, so I did get to spend some quality time with them and baby Emilio! He's soooooooo cute. He looks exactly like Tony did when he was baby! I'll have to post a picture soon...

I hope everyone had a great weekend, I'm off to bed to get some MUCH needed sleep and rest. I hope to god my ear isn't killing me when I wake up tomorrow :(

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Sunday, May 10, 2009

There's Only Us, There's Only This...FORGET REGRET Or Life Is Your's To Miss...

Mother's Day weekend. It's been a busy one to say the least!

Friday I hung out with Mi madre, Aunt Cathy, and Mi hermana. We had a blast having some berry martini's and playing Wii. I even pampered myself with a jacuzzi. It was amazing!

Saturday I was up bright and early to drive to Frankfort, KS with Monie. Our good friend Meg, had her son a few weeks ago and we were going to her baby shower. It was SO great seeing her and meeting baby Max. Once the shower was over it was off to our old stomping ground: Manhattan. We decided on Coco Bolo's for lunch. And BOY was it amazing!

I realized something too. Now I can actually LIVE. I am actually LIVING my life, enjoying it. As opposed to living to eat. And it's so fucking liberating. It's a daily battle though. My surgery (obviously) didn't cure my emotional eating issues. But I'm definitely making wiser food choices. And my weight loss proves it! As of today I'm down 40 lbs in 4 months. And I'm overjoyed! This is exactly what I wanted: to lose 10 lbs a month (if more happens that rocks, if not I'm cool with 10).

This week should be a busy one. Our blinds for the master bedroom should arrive, and HOPEFULLY I'll get my ring soon. I'm so impatient. But damnit I tried it on, and watched Tony buy it! I want it now. LOL I wish it were sized already. Oh well...I'll get it soon.

I hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Getting Back To My Old Self Again.

Wow,

This has been a whirlwind of a weekend.

First, Tony bought a RING! Yup, an engagement ring! We went looking at them Friday night, he had wanted to show me one he liked, to see if I liked it. But unfortunately when we got there it had been sold. So I found another one and he bought it. Now it's just being sized and I have NO clue when he'll officially propose. But I can't stop smiling and daydreaming. I've wanted this to happen for so long, and now it's so close!

Then, yesterday I caught up with my dear friend Sarah. She lives in California now and we haven't seen each other in years. But it was like no time had passed. I love that girl, she's one of the nicest, most beautiful people I know. And I needed to catch up with her!

Weight loss is going great. Down 40 lbs and counting! The surgery has been the SINGLE best thing I've ever done for myself. The second best thing is graduating College. But by far, this surgery has improved and will keep improving and prolonging my life.

I hope everyone is doing well, have a great week. It's only 25 days until MY BIRTHDAY!!! Woo hoo!!

Ciao!

<3 - Mags

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Just A Quick Note.

Wow! I didn't realize I haven't blogged in almost a month. Sorry about that...

Time flies when you're busy I suppose :)

At any rate, I'm doing great so far. Down 32 lbs and counting! I cannot believe how fast I'm dropping weight. I wanted to do 10 lbs a month, and so far I am.

I'm still doing emotional healing every day. And each day it gets easier and less painful. I have amazing friends who listen to me cry, moan, bitch, whatever. And I love them for that.

One my biggest cheerleaders has been Tony. I cannot believe what an Angel he's been! He's been so supportive of my healthier eating habits, and he's even working out with me 3 times a week. I love him so much and know this journey would be a hell of a lot harder if I didn't have is support.

I need to start blogging more. I'm going to set a goal for myself to blog once a week. I know it helps me heal and lets me get whatever emotions I'm experiencing out. I'm so glad I have writing as an outlet for me. It used to be food, but now, now I'm finding healthier alternative ways to heal and make myself a better, happier person.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Ciao!

<3- Mags

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Grief. Pain. Letting Go.

"I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage on the switch...I think I'll get out of here... where I can run, just as fast as I can, to the middle of nowhere...to the middle of my frustrated fears...and I swear, you're just like a pill, instead of making me better you're making me ill" -Pink

I'm at some sort of impasse I think. I'm down 27 lbs now, and I feel AMAZING. My clothes are too big, and I'm fitting into most of my 'skinny' clothes. But I'm still battling my old best friend, FOOD.

Thankfully with my tool I cannot eat like I used to, and hell I haven't really wanted to. But I'm still adjusting/struggling with emotionally letting go of my fears. It's such bullshit too. Why the hell am I so scared to be healthy, skinny?

I keep thinking of things in my past and I worry. I worry that deep down I'll fail at this and that 'he' will be right.

Who is this 'he' I write of? It's a horrible, evil man that unfortunately was part of my life after my father passed away. 'He' was in my life for about 5 years and because of his abuse, caused me some severe emotional scars. Truth be told 'he' died a horrible, painful battle with Cancer about 3 years ago and I was at peace. He's the only person I've known that has had that horrible disease and I honestly was glad he suffered. Hell I've even lost close family members to cancer, but I truly believe in Karma, and he certainly deserved some pain.

But every time I start to feel good I get this itch, this little fucking 'leach' on my foot that reminds me of the fact that I'm still fat and I still have a hell of a long ways to go. And I'm TIRED of that leach. So I figured I should write about this, to help get some of it out.

Now, I've been to therapy off and on since I was 10 and I know when I need to talk to someone, and right now I am thinking that I just need to write out how I'm feeling. It's definitely helped me before, and my past therapy sessions did engrave in me that writing is good for my soul.

I need to just let go of this, once and for all. I need to not let his ghost, or 'him' haunt me anymore. I'm already much more successful than 'he' every SAID I would be, and that's half the damn battle. Now I just need to get my head in check with my heart.

My head knows I'm doing amazing and that I'm on a wonderful journey. But I still have fear in my heart. And I'm working every single day on conquering that. I don't want to be scared to be healthy and actually enjoy LIVING LIFE, as opposed to merely observing it. Hell, I think deep down I'm just scared of some of the changes that are coming...

Change is inevitable, and I need to learn to be comfortable with the changes in store for my body, mind, heart and soul.

Ciao!

<3- Mags

Monday, March 16, 2009

A Menagerie Of Thoughts

I am so psyched! I am down 27 lbs now!

I am almost down to my College Graduation weight. I haven't been there in 4 years, and I never thought I'd get there again. It took me 4 years to gain 50 lbs, but only 2 months to lose a little more than half of it!

So I've started a fabulous routine of exercising. I'm doing three 40 minute sessions a week. And I feel great!

For now I'm doing 25 minutes on the bike and then 15 on the treadmill. Today I rode 5.5 miles and walked .5 miles.

I think this whole journey is working for me because for the first time since I can remember I'm NOT dieting. I'm eating smaller, healthier meals, but I'm not feeling deprived. If I have a potato at dinner I don't freak because it has carbs. I truly believe that everything in moderation is OK.

Tony comes and works out with me, and I find his support to be amazing. I wasn't sure how our relationship would be affected post op, but he's pleasantly surprised me. I couldn't of asked for a better cheerleader, a better partner to help me through this. He's seen me at my worst, and no matter what always believes in me.

That brings me to my next cheerleader: My sister. I can't even describe how amazing she is! She hasn't ever had a weight problem, but she's never made me feel inferior or less worthy because of mine. We truly do have a special bond, and she is my best friend. She's the first person to kick my ass if I'm lying or not doing the best I can, and she's also the first person to back me up when needed. I'm very blessed to have her in my life.

I have so many cool things coming up. The first is the Britney Spears Concert in Kansas City. I cannot WAIT to go with Linds. I have a huge addiction to bad pop music, and I love Britney.

Then, the day after the concert my good friend Sarah and I are flying to New Jersey to see our girl Brandy. I LOVE going to visit her; she's such a sweet, genuine person. And she makes killer cup cakes :) But, the best part of my trip is going to be that for the first time in my adult life, I will not have to worry about fitting in the plane seat. This brings tears to my eyes. I have always wanted to actually enjoy travelling without worrying about the damn seat belt. And now, I am.

So I'm just going to keep on keepin' on and enjoying this journey. This band is the tool I've prayed and dreamed for. It doesn't magically cure anything, but dammit it has made me a helluva lot more self aware of what I'm eating!

Ciao ;)

<3- Mags

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Hello

So I've copied and pasted all of my Myspace blogs below. For some stupid reason I can't 'post' date them, but they are in order from bottom to top.

The most current one, 'My Reflection' I wrote on February 23rd.

Thank you for visiting and enjoy my random ranting.

Ciao!

<3- Mags

My Reflection...

I've got to stop being so damn hard on myself.

I know that this band, my new 'tool' takes time. But now I'm wanting the weight to just keep 'melting' away like it did the first 3 weeks.

Right now I'm at a stalled point in my weight loss. And I know it's because I'm still healing, and I know it's because I haven't had a band 'fill' yet. But I'm fighting getting sad. Why?

I think it's because I know other people, girls my age, who had Gastric Bypass, and they are losing weight like crazy. I could've had GB too, but for a MULTITUDE of reasons I am not a fan of it. The band, to me, is a safer, more 'natural' way to go. You don't lose weight as fast, and you have a better chance at succeeding because you do have to put work into it. You have to exercise, and watch what you eat. With GB there's things you CANNOT ever eat again. To me it's alot more risky, even though you lose weight faster.

I think I'm just jealous or something. I'm feeling great, and people have started to notice my 22 lb weight loss. I just need to be HAPPY with my progress. I know my doctor will be.

I get my first band 'fill' on Wednesday, and I know it'll provide me with more restriction. Which is something I definitely need. I'm able to eat about 1 1/2 cups of food right now, when I should only be eating 1/2 to 1 cup max (per meal).

Grr! I just need to stop being so damn impatient. LOL But I am an avid chaser of 'instant gratification'.

Just take a couple of breaths Mag, you will be there before you know it. 22 lbs down, just 108 left to go.

I CAN DO THIS!!!

Ciao!

<3- Mags

Ponderings

So as I sit here I had somewhat of an epiphany.

Come August, I will be approximately 90 lbs lighter from my date of surgery. And there's TONS of things I'm thinking of! As of now, here's my 'top' 3:

1) I will be able to buy some 'regular' size clothes, and not just plus-sized ones. I've already looked at some cute dresses from Old Navy and Target.

2) When we fly to Miami for our amazing weekend, I will NOT be nervous about fitting into the plane, nor securing my seatbelt. This will be the first time that has ever happened in my adult life.

3) While in Miami I'll actually be able to have FUN and not 'worry' about when, what, and where we're going to eat. Food no longer RULES my life. I do.

These are just a few thoughts going through my brain. And if I keep up my 10 lbs per month I'll reach my 90 lb goal by August. Which means then I'll only be 40 lbs from my yearly goal of 130! I can't wait.

So here's to 20 down and only 110 more to go!
Ciao!

<3- Mags

My First 'WOW' Moment.

So today I went Bridesmaid dress shopping with my friend Keyla for her wedding. The other gals were there too. We went to David's Bridal here in town. And for the first time, I wasn't nervous about trying on dresses.

Since January 4th I've lost 20 lbs. And I am so freaking STOKED. I'm constantly smiling, and I'm feeling so much healthier. It's amazing just having that little amount of weight off. And I'm on a good track to my goal of losing 130 total.

Anywho, back to the dresses... I was able to fit into all but ONE of the 'sample' sizes at David's. And it wasn't the largest sample size in all of the dresses. This is the first time in my entire life that has actually happend. I've never been able to go try on dresses with the rest of the wedding party and have them actually zip up and look nice! I was so happy I wanted to cry. And the best part is that I got to order my dress is 3 sizes smaller than what I tried on. And if it's too big, I can swap it out! (Keyla's wedding isn't until October, so I'm hoping to be 80 lbs lighter by then, so who knows what size I'll actually be wearing).

I feel like I'm on cloud 9, I never thought could be this happy. This weather is helping too Now I can't wait for spring!

I hope everyone has a great rest of the weekend.

<3- Mags

Emotional Recovery...

So I had fully prepped myself for my physical recovery from my surgery, but I realized tonight I didn't prep myself for the emotional part.

I mean, I'm definitely conquering my 'head hunger' and I'm definitely eating less, but for some reason I hadn't really connected with what my progress means, and will mean to me in the future.

This all sprung up on me as I finished watching tonight's episode of 'House'. I LOVE this show, and the ending tonight just made me think of my father.

So again I think of how proud he would be of me (or at least I hope he is)!! He himself struggled with his weight his entire youth and adult life. And the fact that I've chosen to take care of myself, and put myself first for once is HUGE. And I realized just then, just how much I miss him.

This June he will have been gone for 19 years. Yet, it seems like yesterday. He's been gone for so many huge milestones and accomplishments that I , as well as my sister have achieved. I know he was there in spirit, but I'd give everything just to see him once more. Alas, that won't happen in this lifetime.

So now I'm going to do my best and work through this Tsunami of emotions that has just taken over. It's made me all the more determined to succeed with my weightloss. I want to live a longer, healthier life. Not just for me, but for my father as well. That's what he'd want for me and my family.

On the upside, I'm now down 17lbs (since January 4th)!!! I am so happy with this. It's amazing how much more energy I have just being down this little amount of weight. Now I just have 113 lbs more to go...

I've started eating more 'real' food now. And I'm taking that day by day. Some things I've learned I probably won't be able to eat anymore, or at least not very often. And that is A-ok with me! Because these foods that I can't eat very easily are some of my 'bad' foods. As long as I keep eating healthier and now that I'm almost physically healed; I'll be able to keep losing 1 to 2 lbs a week. I just need to seriously up my exercising .

I hope everyone is doing well, and thanks for everyone's well wishes, prayers and emails as I approached and recovered from surgery. I am so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends!

Ciao!

<3- Mags

The First 48

Well here I am, technically on my first 72 hours post op, and I'm feeling amazing!Yes, I did steal this title from the A&E show, but who cares. It's very appropriate for how I'm feeling.

The first 48 hours of recovery have been so smooth for me. And, had I known how smooth, I probably would've had this surgery years ago. The pain is completely bearable, and it's not as bad as I had 'imagined'. Hell, I'm even off my painkillers, except for at night. They help me get to sleep. Which is great! I'm managing my pain each day and I'm following my Doctors orders to the letter.

I cannot believe how great I feel. I am so thankful that I'm doing well. Overall I'm not able to eat much (duh, the whole goal of my surgery), but I haven't been hungry in between meals either. Which is a first for me!

I guess I don't really have much else to say, other than I'm truly happy and very blessed. I can't wait to be fully recovered so I can go work out and continue this amazing journey!

<3- Mags

Second Chance Maggie...

So my surgery was at 8 am, I was in the recovery room by 9:30, and the doctor let me go home at noon!

All in all I'd say it went very smoothly. I actually feel very good, minus some tummy soreness But I don't have any gas pains (yet), and I'm hoping it stays that way! Thank God I do have some amazing liquid painkillers too.

Overall I'd say I'm an execeptional recovery story, well at least compared to the stories I've heard from others who've had this, or a similar surgery. And I'm NOT complaining one bit! I feel very blessed that my recovery is going so well for me. But again this is just day one...tomorrow may be another story. Hehe

I just wanted to post a quick update for you all. And just share that I am SO happy and thrilled that I did this for ME. It's my 'second' chance to myself. Now begins my new life of taking better, healthier care of myself.

I will post progress pics and I'll definitely continue to blog throughout my post op journey. And if anyone has questions or anything feel free to email or call me.

I want to say thanks again for everyone's positivity and support. I could not, would not, have made it through this without it. I am so lucky to have such amazing family and friends!!!

So again, THANK YOU!!!

<3- Mags

'Twas The Night Before...

'Twas the night before Maggie's surgery, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse!!! Hehe

I'm oddly calm tonight. I thought I'd be super anxious or nervous, but I'm not. I feel at such peace. I think it's because I know that tomorrow, for the first time in my adult life, I'm putting ME first. With all my planning and waiting for tomorrow to come, I've realized quite a bit about my life lately.

The first, and most amazing thing is that EVERY goal I've set for myself (life goal) in the past 5 years, I've accomplished. And once I've set the goal and started working towards it, everything else just seemed to fall into place. Now I'm not saying it was an 'easy' road, but it was very worthwhile once I made a decision. Once I set the goal, I gave myself and inner 'clock' and timetable to achieve that goal. Surprisingly, I've met both of them thus far.

See, I'm a keen believe in the power of '3'. Why? I have no clue, but it's always been my favorite number, and I've always believed that everything happens in '3s'.

So now on to my first two goals I've set and achieved:

The first goal is graduating College. I was kicked out and Reinstated immediately (which was a miracle in itself!!), and once I was, I promised myself then and there I'd finish up in less than 3 years and that I'd get my degree. I achieved both.

The second major goal was paying off my stupid, STUPID College credit card debt, and then buying myself a new car. Again, I gave myself 3 years to do so. And I did.

Lastly (as if you didn't know by now), my third and ultimate goal is to get fit!

This brings me to my surgery tomorrow. To achieve this goal, I need a tool to help me. It's not going to make my 'head hunger' stop, nor will it magically 'cure' my food addiction. What it will do, if I use it properly, is make me eat less and choose better foods. See once you get on the 'bandwagon' there's certain things that may be difficult, if not impossible to eat. Now I know what these foods are, and I've mourned them. I will try to eat these foods when I'm allowed solid foods, and if I can eat them, great. I'll eat them in MODERATION. If I can't, then I will get over it!

January 14, 2009 I'm considering a 'rebirth' of sorts. It's going to be the birth of a new healthier, happier Maggie. And I'm giving myself 3 years to get to my goal/happy weight. I'm not sure what that may be, but that's half the fun of it. I know the doctor wants me to lose at least 110lbs, and anything over that is MY goal.

So I'm going to just go with the flow, and once I get to my doctors goal, then I'll set MY goal (I'm thinking now it's 170, but who knows). If I'm happy and healthy at 190 I may stay there!!

To all my friends and family who've given me so much positivity and support in these past few months, THANK YOU. I love you all so, so much. And you have no idea how amazing your support and love is. Without it I would not be who I am today. Once I'm walking around and not completely stoned off pain meds I'll get on here and blog about my post op experience.

Until then ciao!!!xoxo

<3- Mags

I Cheated...

So I'm on day 4 of my pre-op diet and I've cheated. I'm mad at myself but I'm going to get over it.

I actually didn't cheat 'badly'. I had 2 cups of lettuce with 2 tablespoons of lowfat dressing and a roasted chicken breast. All healthy, but not on my 'diet' nonetheless.

Tomorrow I'll start fresh and damnit I'm going to stick to this diet until surgery day, even if I go batty doing so! Thank God I can have lots of fruit and Crystal Light

Ooh and not to forget Chicken Tortilla Soup (as long as it's broth based).

I've just gotta keep trucking, I'm halfway through hell week

-Mags

Losing My Best Friend.

"I can't waste time, so I give it a moment, I realize that nothings broken...don't need to worry about everything I've done, live every second like it was my last one...don't look back got a new direction...I loved you once, needed protection" -Tattoo, by Jordin Sparks

Yes, this is a cheesy pop song, but I LOVE the lyrics. And they completely apply to how I'm feeling today. See, today I'm starting to lose my best friend of 20+ years. No, it isn't Amber, my sister, or my Mom. It's FOOD.

As I sit here and start my 10 day pre-op diet, I have to wonder: HOW did I let my addiction get this far? HOW did I let myself, a smart, capable, educated woman become dependant on food?

Well I wish it was as simple as answering these questions, but it isn't. The journey from now and post surgery will be a long one. But it will be the most worthwhile thing I've ever done for myself. Do I have fears? Of course. Is there anything I can do to ease them? Yes.

Well I'll start with my two 'how' questions. I let my addiction get this far by simply ignoring and burying it. Any time I was upset or happy I turned to food. Hell I even did that last night for my 'last supper'. But it was different. I wasn't trying to stuff my face with as much stuff as possible, I was enjoying saying goodbye to an old 'friend', toxic as they have been.

The funny thing is food, as a whole, isn't bad for us. But it's bad when we constantly choose the wrong foods and when we constantly eat in excess. So what was I missing that made me rely on food as my best friend? I'm not sure, it's going to take time for me to figure that one out. But, starting today I'm going to be my best friend. Corny maybe, but its the truth. 2009 is going to be all about me getting to know myself, all over again.

So let's go on to my fears. My BIGGEST fear is losing those I love dearest. Yes, I will change, but I honestly believe that the 'inner me' will stay the same. The frame is just changing folks, not the picture! But I know that with my success (and whatever failures I may stumble into); I may lose people that are currently in my life. I may have friendships damaged. I pray to God that will not happen, but the truth is that I am changing, and if not everyone can accept that, I'll have to move on. Just like I am with my best friend. It's a huge epiphany when you realize that someone or something is toxic for you. And it's so liberating to finally say NO. Enough is enough. I don't think it's selfish for anyone to want to better themselves. We are constantly changing and growing...if we weren't life would be so boring!

So how can I ease my fears? By simply talking to those closest and dearest to me. I want them to ask me questions, give me their input on my changes. Some I may take with a grain of salt, some I may take more seriously. Those closest me have helped me grow and have helped me get here. They are the reason I've decided to start taking better care of myself. I hope they understand that. If I don't conquer this addiction now, I'll be dead by the time I'm 50. And that is something I don't want to happen. And if this will help that from happening, I'm going for it 110%.

So one way I'm going to break off my 'relationship' with food is by blogging on here more. And I have plans for my blogs, but I'm not going to reveal those just yet In the coming weeks and months you may see me blogging more often, but hopefully as my 'craving' weakens, my need for blogging often will too! I don't want to replace one addiction with another.
I'll end my blog with another set of song lyrics that I love:

"Change her mind and change her world...I ain't settlin for just getting by, I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life...tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high, just not giving up this time...I ain't settlin for anything less than everything!" - Settlin, by Sugarland

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

-Mags

It's Real Now

***I want to preface this entry by saying a HUGE Thank You to my stepfather, Jack. He's the one who paid for my surgery up front. I have to make monthly payments to him, but without his generosity and kindness I would not have been able to have my surgery so quickly. I love you Jack!!***

"Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart..." I firmly believe in wishing. I wish for my surgery go to smoothly, I wish to succeed and finally let the world see how beautiful I am on the outside too.

I'm sick and tired of the 'you have such a pretty face' comments. It's bullshit. So my face is pretty, but what about the rest of me?!?!

Anywho, my surgery is rapidly approaching, and I couldn't be more excited!So today I dropped off my whopping payments to Tallgrass for my surgery, which is OFFICIALLY two weeks away!!!

Paying for the surgery has made it all so real now. Not that it wasn't before, but actually writing out the checks has physically shown me it's going to happen. I think the fact that I am paying for this, rather than my insurance, is only going to help me succeed even more!

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and I wish all of you happy , healthy and successful 2009. Lord knows it's going to be one hell of a year for me!!

Love,Mags

The Date Is Set...

So I received my confirmation letter from Dr. Bernsten's office today. My pre-op appointment is January 5th and my surgery is going to be Wednesday January 14th. That day can't come soon enough! 10 days before surgery I'll be on an all liquid diet. Woo hoo. Not fun...but it will be okay. Hell if I don't go crazy doing that I'll do AMAZING afterwords

The doctor says she wants me to lose at least 110 lbs. I want to lose more honestly, but if I do the 110 I'll be well under 200, which will be a HUGE milestone for me. Ideally I'd like to be around 170. I know I can do it, and just knowing that and believing that is half the battle for me. It's kind of odd to realize that a year from January I won't recognize myself. But it's odd in a good way. I've been the fat, nice, 'funny' girl for too damn long. It's time for Maggie to be HOT, nice, 'funny' girl!!!

If I had enough leave time saved up at work I could've had the surgery this month, but I didn't. And I'm a HUGE believer in 'everything happens for a reason', so I'm thinking this is so I can enjoy one last Thanksgiving and Christmas like 'normal'. Which means I'll eat and drink waay too much. So I will enjoy it!

Once I have my surgery I'll be setting up a new photo album of my progress, so those of you that want to can see how I'm doing.

I must admit I cannot WAIT to reach my goal weight and go shopping in 'normal' stores!!!
Look out BeBe, Victoria's Secret, Old Navy and Banana Republic! Here I come!!!

My Surgery.

Well the day's finally here! I had my consultation with my doctor and the Lap-Band surgery is tentatively scheduled for January 14th or 15th. My doctor is going to call me in a week to confirm which date. The surgery will take place at Tallgrass here in Topeka, and Dr. Bernita Bernsten will be my surgeon. It's an outpatient procedure, so I should be home around 6 pm that night, the surgery will take place at 8 am. I can't wait, it's going to be an amazing journey from then on out!

I am so excited, not just because I will finally lose (and keep off) some weight, but more so I will be HEALTHY. And that is my numero uno reason for doing this surgery. I realized not to long ago that my 35th Birthday is rapidly approaching. Ok well it's 8 years away, but that seems super close to me.

Why is this significant? It's significant because my father was 35 when he died. True his health was not the reason for his death, but trust me, realizing you will out live one of your parents is very odd. They are supposed to die when you're older and they are in their golden oldie years. They aren't supposed to die young. 35 was too young for my dad to go.

So I started thinking about my father and his hopes and wishes for me and my family. And I know he'd want me to out live his young 35 year age by at least 30 years, if not more. And I know in my heart, if I don't get control of my obesity, if I don't get healthy, I will NOT make it to 65 or older. And that scared the hell out of me.

Again, I want to reinterate this surgery is no magic 'cure' or anything. The hard work lies within me. It will simply be a tool to help me feel fuller, longer. Which lets face it, I desperately need. I'm tired of eating healthy lunches and then being starving two hours later. That is not normal. This lap band will simply help me stay full for longer, thus resulting in me eating less and hopefully losing weight. The key for me is to eat healthy and exercise throughout this entire journey.

I hope if anyone has questions or concerns to please let me know. Or please visit www.realizeband.com. It's the site for the band system I'm going to use. And it's amazing! It goes through the procdure, support, everything.

So up until January I will enjoy the holidays and some 'bad' meals. We're planning a 'last supper' at this amazing Brazilian Steakhouse in Kansas City, if anyone wants to join us please let me know. It will probably be the first weekend in January.

I'm looking forward to starting 2009 with a newer, healthier Maggie!

Simply Mags

I'll start by saying this is the most honest and blunt blog I've ever written. Please know I've been going through alot these past 6 months, and I've grown and changed. And it's made me realize some things and confront things I've never confronted before. It's made me a bloody emotional rollercoaster, but I know it's all worth it. In the end I will be a better ME.

I've made a very tough but very thought out decision. Those close to me already know, but there are those of you in cyber land that I hardly see, but I wanted to include in my life. Even though we hardly speak, please know that I love you all and you have ALL helped make me the person I am today. And I hope anyone who reads this knows that when I say thank you, I TRULY mean that.

I have decided to have the Realize Lap-Band surgery. How have I come to this decision? Is this a last resort? How will my relationships change with those I love?

I've been asking myself these things for the past 2 weeks. And you know what? I'm not going to worry about things I cannot control anymore. Now I'm going to worry and focus on things that are in my control (ie: weight).

Some of you that know me will think I'm taking the 'easy' way out, some of you will applaud my decision. Either way, I must keep telling myself this is MY decision and bottom line, everyone will have a thought or opinion on it.

How did I come to this you may ask? I've been dieting since I was 13. I've done Weight Watchers, Atkins, Diet pills (including Phen-Fen)' you name it. And every time I do have some success, but as soon as I go off whatever diet I may be on I gain that weight back, and sometimes more. And to be frank, I'm f-ing TIRED of it. So, I wanted to do some research, and educate myself on a tool that may truly help me. And I've found it!

Sure, I have fears about this surgery. But my fears of continuing down my unhealthy, obese road VASTLY outweigh the 'risks' of me having this surgery. I am absolutely terrified of dying young. I'm even more terrified of having a child and leaving them without a parent. I'm tired of having sleep apnea and high blood pressure. The thing is, I'm TIRED of being unhealthy.

This surgery is by no means a 'cure' or an easy way 'out' for me. I will have to do alot of dietary changes, as well as do more exercise. This surgery will simply give me a tool to help feel more full and more satisfied. And the best part? I will have an amazing group of support from my family, friends and the doctors that I'm going to work with.

So how have I 'chosen' the Realize Lap-Band? It's quite simple really. They have an amazing 3 year support system for those who have the surgery. And that is something I need. Yes, my friends and family are going to be there, but this will give me medical tools and access to my dietician and doctors whenever I need. That will be a key ingredient in my weight loss.

I can't have the surgery until after the first of the year, and I'm shooting for a January 17th date, that way I can recoup over the 'long' holiday weekend.

For those that would like 'updates' on this journey please let me know. I'll be happy to regularly post blogs as I continue this.

So to end this blog, I'll conclude with my new 'motto':
'Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game...'

It's time for Maggie to make her OWN rules

Hello

I've finally joined the blogging world.

Please visit weekly as I chronicle my weight loss journey.

Thank you for visiting my page!