Sunday, March 22, 2009

Grief. Pain. Letting Go.

"I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage on the switch...I think I'll get out of here... where I can run, just as fast as I can, to the middle of nowhere...to the middle of my frustrated fears...and I swear, you're just like a pill, instead of making me better you're making me ill" -Pink

I'm at some sort of impasse I think. I'm down 27 lbs now, and I feel AMAZING. My clothes are too big, and I'm fitting into most of my 'skinny' clothes. But I'm still battling my old best friend, FOOD.

Thankfully with my tool I cannot eat like I used to, and hell I haven't really wanted to. But I'm still adjusting/struggling with emotionally letting go of my fears. It's such bullshit too. Why the hell am I so scared to be healthy, skinny?

I keep thinking of things in my past and I worry. I worry that deep down I'll fail at this and that 'he' will be right.

Who is this 'he' I write of? It's a horrible, evil man that unfortunately was part of my life after my father passed away. 'He' was in my life for about 5 years and because of his abuse, caused me some severe emotional scars. Truth be told 'he' died a horrible, painful battle with Cancer about 3 years ago and I was at peace. He's the only person I've known that has had that horrible disease and I honestly was glad he suffered. Hell I've even lost close family members to cancer, but I truly believe in Karma, and he certainly deserved some pain.

But every time I start to feel good I get this itch, this little fucking 'leach' on my foot that reminds me of the fact that I'm still fat and I still have a hell of a long ways to go. And I'm TIRED of that leach. So I figured I should write about this, to help get some of it out.

Now, I've been to therapy off and on since I was 10 and I know when I need to talk to someone, and right now I am thinking that I just need to write out how I'm feeling. It's definitely helped me before, and my past therapy sessions did engrave in me that writing is good for my soul.

I need to just let go of this, once and for all. I need to not let his ghost, or 'him' haunt me anymore. I'm already much more successful than 'he' every SAID I would be, and that's half the damn battle. Now I just need to get my head in check with my heart.

My head knows I'm doing amazing and that I'm on a wonderful journey. But I still have fear in my heart. And I'm working every single day on conquering that. I don't want to be scared to be healthy and actually enjoy LIVING LIFE, as opposed to merely observing it. Hell, I think deep down I'm just scared of some of the changes that are coming...

Change is inevitable, and I need to learn to be comfortable with the changes in store for my body, mind, heart and soul.

Ciao!

<3- Mags

1 comment:

  1. Writing does make you feel better-and for some reason helps to make sense of things.

    ReplyDelete