Saturday, March 14, 2009

Losing My Best Friend.

"I can't waste time, so I give it a moment, I realize that nothings broken...don't need to worry about everything I've done, live every second like it was my last one...don't look back got a new direction...I loved you once, needed protection" -Tattoo, by Jordin Sparks

Yes, this is a cheesy pop song, but I LOVE the lyrics. And they completely apply to how I'm feeling today. See, today I'm starting to lose my best friend of 20+ years. No, it isn't Amber, my sister, or my Mom. It's FOOD.

As I sit here and start my 10 day pre-op diet, I have to wonder: HOW did I let my addiction get this far? HOW did I let myself, a smart, capable, educated woman become dependant on food?

Well I wish it was as simple as answering these questions, but it isn't. The journey from now and post surgery will be a long one. But it will be the most worthwhile thing I've ever done for myself. Do I have fears? Of course. Is there anything I can do to ease them? Yes.

Well I'll start with my two 'how' questions. I let my addiction get this far by simply ignoring and burying it. Any time I was upset or happy I turned to food. Hell I even did that last night for my 'last supper'. But it was different. I wasn't trying to stuff my face with as much stuff as possible, I was enjoying saying goodbye to an old 'friend', toxic as they have been.

The funny thing is food, as a whole, isn't bad for us. But it's bad when we constantly choose the wrong foods and when we constantly eat in excess. So what was I missing that made me rely on food as my best friend? I'm not sure, it's going to take time for me to figure that one out. But, starting today I'm going to be my best friend. Corny maybe, but its the truth. 2009 is going to be all about me getting to know myself, all over again.

So let's go on to my fears. My BIGGEST fear is losing those I love dearest. Yes, I will change, but I honestly believe that the 'inner me' will stay the same. The frame is just changing folks, not the picture! But I know that with my success (and whatever failures I may stumble into); I may lose people that are currently in my life. I may have friendships damaged. I pray to God that will not happen, but the truth is that I am changing, and if not everyone can accept that, I'll have to move on. Just like I am with my best friend. It's a huge epiphany when you realize that someone or something is toxic for you. And it's so liberating to finally say NO. Enough is enough. I don't think it's selfish for anyone to want to better themselves. We are constantly changing and growing...if we weren't life would be so boring!

So how can I ease my fears? By simply talking to those closest and dearest to me. I want them to ask me questions, give me their input on my changes. Some I may take with a grain of salt, some I may take more seriously. Those closest me have helped me grow and have helped me get here. They are the reason I've decided to start taking better care of myself. I hope they understand that. If I don't conquer this addiction now, I'll be dead by the time I'm 50. And that is something I don't want to happen. And if this will help that from happening, I'm going for it 110%.

So one way I'm going to break off my 'relationship' with food is by blogging on here more. And I have plans for my blogs, but I'm not going to reveal those just yet In the coming weeks and months you may see me blogging more often, but hopefully as my 'craving' weakens, my need for blogging often will too! I don't want to replace one addiction with another.
I'll end my blog with another set of song lyrics that I love:

"Change her mind and change her world...I ain't settlin for just getting by, I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life...tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high, just not giving up this time...I ain't settlin for anything less than everything!" - Settlin, by Sugarland

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

-Mags

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