Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What's REALLY Eating Me.

**I want to mention as a friendly Disclaimer that this is a very UNORGANIZED, long post. If you want to read on, please do so!***

So I've been battling my old bad habits and inner demons ever since my Birthday. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out WHAT was so 'wrong' so to speak.

And then, as the radio played on my drive home today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's my Father. I miss him more than words could ever express. So I took the 'long' way home, and bawled my eyes out to Steve Winwood and Tina Turner (two of his favorites). The songs, "Back In The High Life" and "What's Love Got To Do With It" were played back to back, on the same station. Random, but I knew he was with me...he loved those songs... Back to my grieving issues now...

Why hasn't this surfaced sooner? Why has it taken almost 2 damn months?!?! And it's simple. I've been shoving my grief back down every time it's tried to surface. And I've been doing so with cookies, ice cream, chips...all sorts of crap. Thankfully I have started exercise again, and so I'm down about 50 lbs. Woot Woot! So my band IS helping. But I've got to allow myself to grieve. Otherwise I'll keep eating bad foods...and I won't really get to enjoy my progress.

I've decided that I'll write a blog about every thing that's on my mind. So I apologize if it seems super random or unorganized. It is.

June 27th was the 19th Anniversary of my Father's passing. I cannot believe it's been this long already. I can still remember the week before, and the day of his passing. And to be honest it seems like yesterday. I think I'll always have anger towards the circumstances of his death, albeit any time, any age a child loses their parent I believe there's some anger, and vice/versa. With any death, there'll be some type of anger. Whether it's with God, the deceased, or the circumstances.

Sorry back on track to WHY I'm grieving so much. Why is this year any different? Well it's b/c I'm getting married, and I realized that the one thing I want most in this world simply will not happen. Ever since I was little, I dreamed of my Father walking me down the aisle. And there's no way that will happen.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO blessed to have my Step Father in my life. He is an amazing, loving, generous man. Hell, he's been the Father figure in my life for longer than my own Father was. But dammit I need to grieve not having my real Father here. I wish I could talk to him, share wedding ideas. I wish he could've met Tony and told me what he thinks. Hell, I wish he could've 'scared' Tony with his overprotective "Father Talk". I just wish, that for just one day, one hour, one minute, one second I could talk to him again...

I've got to let myself cry, scream, write... whatever it takes to allow myself to release this grief. Because I know he would want me to ENJOY wedding planning and my weight loss. Not be burdened or upset by them.

People have kept asking me about our wedding plans, and to be honest I've avoided doing any planning. And it's because I haven't wanted to deal with my emotional issues related to all of it. But wouldn't ya know it? My Father, Guardian Angel, Daddy, had other plans. Damn him! And he got through to me the best way he knew how, through music. See, before he passed we'd always listen to songs together. And sometimes he'd 'guitar me' aka play songs for me on his guitar. And dGod Bless Him, he was so tone deaf, but I just loved it when he's sing along or sing to me.

So for now, I've decided to just allow myself to talk about my sadness and the bitter sweetness of everything that's going on. I pride myself on being an optimistic person, so I hope no one thinks I'm 'dwelling' on the negative. But I need to keep healing, and allowing myself to talk about how I'm feeling is helping me do this.

I hope that everyone who comes across this realizes that no matter where you are in life, there is always someone who loves you. Even if they aren't here with you in the flesh. And don't be afraid to tell those you love how much you love them everyday!


<3 - Mags

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