Sunday, April 25, 2010

Behind These Blue Eyes...

For the first time in awhile I'm not referencing a song, but I'm alluding to something a bit deeper.

My fellow blogger, and all around A-M-A-Z-I-N-G woman, Amy, asked a very honest and blunt question on her site the other day.

You can check out her blog here:

Anyway, she asked, 'What do you hide behind'?

That got me thinking. And anyone who knows me already knows I'm a HUGE over-thinker, so this could get quite distracting. But like Amy, the one thing I've always been using as a defense mechanism, and my 'protection' is my Humor. I started crying when I read her reasoning for Humor being her defense. Because it was the exact same reason as mine. "If they laugh with me, they won't laugh AT me".

It's so easy to use Humor as my offensive tool. If I can make someone I meet for the first time laugh, or think I'm witty, then I'll be put into that safe file of 'Funny Fat Girl', as opposed to 'Gross, Ugly Fat Girl'.

But while thinking about this I got angry. Partially at some others, partially at myself. One of the other people I got upset with is one of my Cousin's. He looked at me on Easter and asked me to 'not lose too much more weight'. WTF does that mean?!?! I deserve better than to be categorized into some dumb cliche. Or to be kept in some one's comfort 'zone' or level of what they think I should be.

And I'm not going to let myself be afraid of what others, family included, think. And I'm no longer going to be afraid of being healthy or happy. I think the past few months, partially due to stress, partially due to my fears, I've slowed down and somewhat tried to subtly sabotage my progress. But no more. I'm over halfway to goal, I'm not going to slow down or let my fears cripple me.

So since my Cousin's ridiculous comment, and reading others blogs, I've kept up three weeks of working out 6 times a week, for an hour each day. And doing so I've lost 10 lbs! I'm a size 20 pant and size XL top, and proud of it! I know that once I reach my first 'mini' goal of 189 I will be the size 16 I want, and hopefully when I reach my over all over goal of 170 I'll be the size 14 I've always dreamed of!

This journey is so much more than I could have ever thought or dreamed of, but I'm grateful for every moment of it. I'm a happier, healthier person because of it.

I hope everyone in Cyber Land is doing well!


<3 - Mags

P.S. Amy, the world does kind of revolve around you ;) Think about all of us that you've helped just through your blog!!!


  1. I'm here!!! Thank you for letting me know about your blog! You know, what I really wanted to say...but I didnt want to offend that we need to think of this before we get to the point that all of our extra weight is gone and now we are "stripped". Bc if we blame our fat for why we are single, or unhappy, or in a dead in job, or why we dont have friends...what happens if when we are skinny we find that we aer STILL single, unhappy, etc. Bc if it wasnt the weight that was holding us back...what does that mean? lol...that it could actually be us!

  2. You're welcome :) I've been following yours for awhile and you always give me a great dose of inspiration!

    And I don't think you would've offended anyone. At least not me. I think it's rather insightful.

    It is such an emotional journey, that even if you have the Psych Eval and everything, you aren't totally prepared for. Does that make sense?

    For me that's the biggest challenge I've had. Is not my physical changes, but my emotional ones. Realizing what truly has been 'holding' me back has been heartbreaking and liberating at the same time. And it's finding fellow Bandsters like you and Miss Vicki that's helped me!

    While we all face different challenges and struggles we all are just trying to be healthy and happy :)